Pursuing Bliss in a Random Life is about finding the humor in everyday situations. It's the random moments of clarity in the middle of chaos. It's the reminders of what is truly important, of the things that make this life not just livable, but memorable. This is my search: not just to achieve, but to maintain happiness. Family, friends, faith, food, fun: Bliss.

Friday, November 26, 2010

The highs, the lows, and the in-betweens

I've spent some time considering life these last days. Life is crazy for the best of us, and I realize everyone has ups and downs. Every life has highs and lows. Your average person goes along in the middle, or the "in between", with occasional up and down swings. Everyone gets the blues, or happy and excited about something. For those like me, those with bipolar disorder, life is more than occasional mood changes; it is a roller coaster ride of dizzying highs and bleak lows. Mania and depression, while considered opposites, are really two sides of the same coin. Like best friends holding hands, they tug each other back and forth.

All my life I've faced these crazy mood swings, but it wasn't until I was officially diagnosed that I was able to trace them back through the years. I finally understood that what I thought was normal was really a bit out in left field. Now, being able to identify the different stages helps me to understand myself and those around me better. 

What no one seems to "get" is how dangerous these upswings and downturns can be. In the midst of mania, creativity sparks. Words flow like wine. My mind races, I struggle to focus, and I'm overflowing with effervescent energy. I don't sleep, and I don't miss it. Stories, images, thoughts, dreams - they chase each other in circles in my mind until I absolutely have to get them out, usually on paper. One thing emerges as most important, and everything else has to fall in line, or suffer and fall by the wayside, because I've only got energy and attention for it. It's like being high - nothing can touch you. Nothing can keep up. It's delicious.

Sounds great, right? Being so high on emotion and creative energy that nothing can touch you? Boundless energy? Lots of laughter? Excitement, fun? Sure. But the other side of it? Dark, dangerous despair. In the blink of an eye, you can go from high and happy to desperately sad, and vice versa. I've had days where my insides felt as though they were cracking. You think, if you can just cry hard enough, it will stop hurting - but it gets worse and worse, until you feel yourself splintering. Your very soul aches, to say nothing about your body. You can barely function, can't wake up, don't have interest in anything. Imagine being lost in a perfect, wet, smothering blackness. It's hard to even breathe. 

The most dangerous thing about both of these phases? They are addictive. No one tells you - when you are struggling to get better, on a more even keel - that you will miss it. Like a drug, you crave these phases. For one thing, they are old friends, aren't they? You know them. They are a part of your personality, your life.They shape your opinions, both how you view and how you handle, the world.  For another, the in-between of most "normal" people is really rather boring after awhile. Bouncy, excitable, happy manic highs are like too much champagne. Depressive phases are what I always imagined opiates to be. Drugging, slow, heavy. You want to move, want to act - but you just can't. 

When I'm in between, I am a totally different person. I look at the entire world in a different way. I remember thinking, the first time, "So this is normal? Really?" In between, I am a stranger to myself. It's not bad - it's just different.

I know this doesn't really fit in with the theme of "searching for bliss" - but then again, don't you have to understand something to accept it?


Sunday, November 14, 2010

Some Thoughts on Happy Places

   You know that "happy place" in your mind people tell you to visit when you are stressed? Well, I have two. Which I choose depends on the day, the situation, and my mood. Number one involves a comfy cardigan, a quiet front porch, a cup of tea, and the rain. I can so easily picture myself there, perched in a chair or swing with legs tucked underneath me, cup of tea in hand. Watching the rain drops dancing with the flowers. Seeing the patterns in the puddles on the sidewalk. Listening to drumming water on the roof and soaking in the peace.



    Instead of the dreary gray most associate with a rainy day, my happy place is drenched with color. yes, the air is dark and heavy, but emerald grass shimmers and brilliant jewel toned flowers wave. Taupe sidewalks show patterns as the water soaks in. The air is soft gray through the steady rainfall. As my eyes wander, I take in the riot of color. Over there is rich brown - the trunks of trees along the sidewalk. To the right is the deep evergreen of bushes. To the left are radiant flowers - ruby, amethyst, opal. Sunshine yellow, deepest pink. Everything is framed by stark white porch rails.

   My second "happy place" is full of heat and light. There is an abundance of white - cool sheets under my body, filmy curtains wafting in a gentle breeze, soft linen on my body. Straight above is a tan and bronze fan, its whirring blending with distant birdcalls and the waving of palm fronds.Through the open, white shutters and french doors is the white and pale gold sand, and deep blue water of the beach. The air is light, golden with hints of turquoise, reflecting the colors outside. (I know it doesn't make sense, but it's my place, right?) I can lay here in total peace and repose, no one asking anything, and soak in the moving air and gentle sounds. Complete and utter paradise.


   Everyone needs a refuge, even in their own minds. Lucky for me, I have two. Two perfect worlds of calm and control. Worlds where everything is perfect, including me.

   Of course, I have two more happy places. Ones I visit every day. How much luckier can a woman get? =)