Pursuing Bliss in a Random Life is about finding the humor in everyday situations. It's the random moments of clarity in the middle of chaos. It's the reminders of what is truly important, of the things that make this life not just livable, but memorable. This is my search: not just to achieve, but to maintain happiness. Family, friends, faith, food, fun: Bliss.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Life's Little Pleasures

I've been thinking about all of the blessings in my life, especially the little ones that I tend to take for granted. A few things in particular stood out - things that, as I experienced them, made me so warm and comforted inside that I stopped and thought, Now this is a blessing. I just had to share a few - those small, seemingly unimportant details that help make up a merry whole.

A Clean Kitchen
I have decided that my kitchen is my personal home base zone. If it is messy, I feel like a slob, even if the rest of the house is tidy. If it's clean, the rest of the house doesn't seem so daunting, regardless of its current state. Right now it is in the "mostly clean but slightly cluttered" state, which is a big improvement from the "oh my God where do I start?!" state it was in earlier.

Sunshine on Snow
Something about the way the sunbeams glisten and sparkle on snow always makes me happy. The trees are wearing lacy shawls of snowflakes, and tiny fairy diamonds are hidden in pockets and hollows of snow on the hill behind my house.

A HoneyBaked Ham sandwich and hot chocolate 
Hot chocolate is a must on a day like today. I swear I can see my breath in my living room. Chocolate is always a blessing (at least to chocoholics like myself) but hot chocolate is in a category all its own. And come on, who doesn't love a HoneyBaked Ham sandwich? Especially when you are starving after a cleaning binge.

Little boys building Lego sets and singing
Right now both of my boys are building with their Star Wars Legos and singing "Happy Birthday, Jesus". Precious and priceless.

Coca Cola
'Nuff said.


It's a few days before New Years, and as this year is winding down I've been thinking about where I was this time last year and how things have changed. Rather than an actual "resolution"  - or like I usually have, resolution LIST - instead I am determining to make improvements. I want a calmer, more stable existence, with greater happiness and joy. Looking back at where I've come from, I see the direction I need to move to achieve it. Better health, better organization, greater patience - sure. But chiefly, greater JOY.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Craziness

You know that line in Silent Night? The one that goes All is calm, all is bright? SO not my house. Every year, my holiday happiness comes about 2 months too early, and by the time it is "OK" to start preparations, it has fled screaming. Yes, it usually shows back up, in fits and spurts. I get just enough enthusiasm to think going to Toys R Us with a 6 year old in tow is a fun idea. Yes, I AM crazy, didn't you know?

I remember when I used to plan ahead. Not just think about planning ahead - actually planning. Now, Christmas Eve rolls around and I think - Oh yeah, I have to cook something. Wait, I haven't wrapped any presents yet. I get so busy trying to plan my holiday I forget to actually have my holiday. I think I need to start planning this week for next year, and have one of my famous lists ready to go in JULY.

I love the holidays, really I do. I love the excitement of the kids. I love the fairy lights on the tree - once we finally get them on and LIT. I even love the elves who visit us each year. Seriously y'all, we have elves. Three at last count. They show up when the tree is decorated and watch the boys like hawks until Christmas Eve, when they run back to make their report. Ian has decided it is his job to keep track of them, so every morning we hear: *gasp* "Mom! Dad! Look, the elf moved! It was here, now it's over there! It's leaning on a different hand!..." He talks to them, explains things, and writes them letters to take to Santa. I'm waiting for the attempted bribery to begin.

So. Time to make the checklist for tomorrow.

1) Go to the hospital to see Father in Law

2) Finish Christmas shopping (you didn't really expect me to be finished already, did you? Seriously? I had to    scrap making gifts as it is...)

3) Wrap the rest of the presents and get them under the tree (we do have some wrapped under there, they are just from other people)

4) Go to Christmas Eve Service at church. (I am determined to make it this year, unlike every other past year when I've attempted and gotten there too late to find a seat or a parking space!)

5) Have some cocoa, chill with a holiday movie before 11pm.

OK. I can do this. Really. With the help of some elves. =)

Merry Christmas everyone! Check back for my restored sanity around, say, never. Or January.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Not Far Apart...

These last couple of days have been tough ones. There was shock and worry when we heard about my husband's father being in the hospital. There's been stress getting the kids taken care of - thank God for Nana! - and the frustration of not knowing what is wrong. Doctors have been scarce, and answers not forthcoming. Then there is the sadness of seeing this man confined to a bed, hearing the rasp and wheeze of his breath over the beeps of the myriad machines attached to his body by a forest of wires. I feel helpless, unsure what to do, so I offer support and comfort the best way I can - by being there.
In a way, it reminds me of my own Dad, the day before he died. Not that I believe Andy's father is about to die, but there are similarities. Luckily for me, the amount of time my Dad was robbed of speech and recognition was short. It sucked, knowing for a month that my father was going to die soon, but in another way it was a blessing. After the first shock of the cancer, I had the precious gift of time. I had 4 weekends to be with my Dad, to talk, to listen to music, to play cards the way we did for so many summers, and to drive around and visit places he grew up. The weekend before he died, Andy, Dad, and I got to drive to all of Dad's old haunts and listen to his stories of growing up, of his teenage years, of meeting my Mom. He sang "Travelin' Man" with the CD player, over and over. For a time, you could almost believe the cancer was a lie. He was so vibrant, so alive. That was the last time Andy saw him - the next weekend I got there and he was almost unable to speak. He managed to say "I love you" to me, and from that time on, he didn't talk again. The next night he died.
When Dad first died, I felt he was far away. I cried over the chances I'd lost to spend time with him, the fact that I'd never feel him hug me again, or tell me I was his "favorite little girl in the whole wide world."  My comfort was the irreverent image of him at a bar in Heaven, singing, drinking and smoking with his heroes - Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby, Rick Nelson. Instead, as the years have passed there have been times I felt he was close. I could almost smell him: that combination of cigarettes, cheap beer, aftershave, and Listerine. I see him looking out at me from Ian's eyes, and I am reminded of him when I see Ian walk. Ian swears there is a "ghost" that visits him sometimes at night, and rather than shrugging it off as the overactive imagination of a typical 6 yr. old, I choose to believe he feels the angel or spirit of the grandfather he never knew drawing near to him. We have always said that "Grandpa Bill" went to Heaven and pulled some strings for us, so that we could have Ian, because he was a struggle to conceive.
The holiday season has always been a tough one for me - when I was younger it meant time out of school, which I dreaded. I wanted the relative safety and dubious peace of school over the strain of being home. I have always escaped by spending time staring into the lights of the tree or out the window, dreaming of other places, of better lives. Even now, I tend to disappear into my own world. This year, I've been thinking of the words to Ryan's song "Not Far Apart", and they mean more than years past. It has been 7 years since Dad passed. As time goes on, I really have started to feel we are not far apart.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Early Morning Ramblings and Bits of Random Nothing

As you can tell from the title, this post has one purpose - to sweep away the cobwebs and fluff from my brain patterns. Have you ever had so many things on your mind at once that you can't focus on one? This is me. 7am and on 4 hours of sleep. So if you are looking for a deeper meaning in this one, well, you might as well stop reading now. Go look for Thoreau.

Mmmm, hot hazelnut coffee with cinnamon. I don't know what it is about that flavor, but I just love it. Could be that it reminds me of a happier time, when Ian was first in pre-school at church and I could stop twice a week on my way to work to pick up a cup and a pumpkin chocolate chip muffin top. Not that those times really were happier than any others, but my little boy was doing well, and my new baby was healthy and precious. Faith was stronger. Of course, I still can't brew exactly the right amount for one big cup. I don't know why, but I just can't measure it right. Guess this is another reason I need an espresso maker instead, huh?

I am so glad my semester of school is almost over. I'm not sure why, but this semester has been the hardest I've ever had. I'm not coming out on top like I'd hoped, but I am able to salvage most of my classes, and I've learned some tough lessons this go around, so I guess that counts for something. I am really looking forward to next semester, even though only 1 of my classes will count toward my degree and the other is a random extra class. I need the chance to breathe, and that extra class promises to be interesting. I hope.

Putting Ian on the bus this morning, I started thinking about "school days." It makes my heart smile and ache at the same time, watching his skinny little self scamper off to that big, yellow bus. I think, "God, how did he get so big already?", and "Look how little he is", and something along the lines of "ABC's and 123's - ah, those were the days." I loved school, from the time I was a tot. I loved being with friends, spelling tests, reading, even math. When I was older, I lived for band. And of course, any time I was at school, I was safe - away from the nightmare at home just waiting to turn on me. I was never one of those kids who would jump at the chance to stay home. Even if I had the flu, my Mom would fight to make me stay home. I remember many a day practically sleeping my way through the day in a feverish haze, because I didn't want to be home. I know that even today, walking into a school makes me feel happy and safe. It's one of the ways I know I want to be a teacher. Do kids get on my nerves? Absolutely. On a regular basis. But they also make me smile, and remind me of life's potential. Except teenagers - they just annoy me period. =D

I'm feeling the creative urge like crazy again these days, but it's unfocused. I want to make scrapbook pages. I want to cross stitch. I want another baby. I want to bake, to cook, to decorate.  Most especially, I want to write. A letter, a story, random musings on a blog - anything to help get my thoughts in order, and get some of this creative urge out while it lasts. My brain chases itself in circles so much, I'm amazed it doesn't fall down dizzy. 

Life is tough for everyone these days. Lack of income, high stress, climate changes, natural disasters - it seems like the world is spinning out of control sometimes. I like the "let's get back to basics" movement that is advertised all over TV - um, hello? Getting back to basics doesn't mean going out and spending more money on items to help you get back to basics. It means getting control of what is really, truly important. Food. Utilities. Shelter. Clothing. Laughter. Love. Time. It's a hard lesson, and honestly I'm fighting against it as much as anyone else. Having been unemployed for 2 years almost, it's getting to the point where things will really have to be scaled back. It's hard to make a child understand that he can't have the level of things he had before. It's hard for me to deny myself anything, and I'm an adult, but I am hopeful that not only will my family weather the storm, somehow we will come out on the other side stronger, and more grounded. I'm searching for a way to show my family, and myself, how to find greater joy with fewer resources. Of course, throw in a broken car, lack of a clothes dryer, and weeks where you have to choose between gas for work and food to ear, and it gets tough. 

Oh, and this cast. I've never had a cast before. At first I thought it would be cool, kind of an adventure. Now, I want to flex my ankle and scratch like MAD. And it's been less than 24 hours. This should be interesting.

Well, that's my random morning ramblings for today. Check back soon, same crazy lady in the same crazy place, and see what else spews forth, won't you?