I've been doing a lot of thinking these last few weeks. Friendships, family, work, school...it feels like I am constantly chasing dreams, or even stray thoughts, trying to get my life in order. The harder I try to come up with a plan, the more I seem to run in circles.
Friends I get the concept "don't make someone a priority who only makes you an afterthought." What I don't get is how to make it stop making me angry, or how to stop it from hurting. Those of you who know me know that I can be ice queen very easily - years of self defense taught me that. Only those of you who have known me a really long time know the open, giving side of me. I was once told I had a quick laugh, a quick smile - but as I've grown older I've noticed it comes more often as a sardonic smile, or a sarcastic laugh. I can remove myself from relationships that continually hurt me, but that doesn't seem to be enough. How do you get the point across to stop doing that, can't you see it hurts when someone is self righteous, blind, or worse - think they are being giving, open, friendly, and instead are mean, selfish, and sly? Don't ever take for granted a steadfast friend: one who calls you first, not last...one who won't replace you with a sister in law, trade you up for the "bigger better deal"...I have at least one of those, and I love her as dearly now as I did when we were kids.
I thank God every day that I married my best friend, even though he doesn't always get it. Call it a man vs woman thing, whatever. I am blessed with someone who will hug me when I need it, who will always make me laugh. That's priceless.
Books Ah, books. I am rediscovering my love of reading. Not that I ever stopped - I am always in the middle of at least two stories at any given time. I'd just grown bored with it, because everything I read felt like I'd read it before, and not in a good way. My books growing up were my friends, and I knew them intimately. I read them over and over until the covers were worn and faded, and I knew exactly where the stains and smudges from my fingers would be. More recently I've missed the suspension of disbelief, the immersion in a totally different world. I got the urge to pick up a book I read years ago, and I have fallen back in love with science fiction, fantasy, and mystery. I'm torn between serching out and re-reading some of my personal classics, and diving in to some other "classics" of the genre that I've never read. Guess I will have to wander where the literary road leads me.
The work/school dilemma Ok, so I've been working part time for almost a full semester and I can already tell you, it's going to have to be one or the other. Do I concentrate on school and work toward a new career, or do I bide my time and work to pay the bills for awhile? I seriously need a way to do both, and not in an office. The folks I work with/for are good for the most part, but I miss being home with my boys, and I am struggling with school. I keep grasping at straws, and changing my mind - ideally I'd be able to pay the bills AND concentrate on school - but it's not happening yet.
I guess the gist of this is to reaffirm that I am still here, still breathing....still struggling to find the right balance for bliss. A healthy dose of family, a splash of work, a sprinkling of friends, and top the whole thing with some time to read. Oh, and a cup of tea.
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